11 October 2019 13:52
The public fallout was a slow-burn psychodrama of deceit and betrayal, ideal for the big screen – as Knightley has confirmed. So who should tackle Danielle Lloyd? Go home Kramer vs Kramer. Bog off Frost/Nixon. You want drama?
You want glamour? You want the sheer white-knuckle thrill of watching one woman block her Instagram followers one by one? Then there's only one thing for it? The Coleen Rooney/Rebekah Vardy Wag Wars film. Sure, no script exists yet, and no director is attached. But in a press junket for her new film yesterday, Keira Knightley has thrown her hat into the ring for the role of Coleen Rooney. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. What actually happened was that, in attempting to keep up with the 500mph enthusiasm of a Heat reporter's recollection of the story, Knightley appeared to agree with the suggestion that she should play Coleen Rooney in a film. heat & heatworld.com (@heatworld)[email protected] please get a script over to Keira Knightley immediately to play @ColeenRoo#RooneyvVardy #WagathaChristie #ColeenRooney pic.twitter.com/Is3xlGbPCW Keira Knightley would be a perfect Coleen Rooney. Look me in the eye and tell me that you wouldn't pay to see one of our finest actors, burnished in the pedigree of a million period pieces, slathered in Ronseal with a nylon wig Velcroed to her head. Tell me you wouldn't watch an epic psychodrama where she plays a woman trapped in a vast McMansion with only her four children for company, watching her self-esteem erode as her husband plays away, before finally discovering her talent as a private investigator. Of course you would. I'd watch Keira Knightley in anything, but I promise that I would watch the absolute crap out of her in this. The idea of Wag Wars film immediately sounds like a low-rent, trashy, Footballers' Wives-type production. But Knightley's commitment changes everything. Now this is a prestige picture, and it deserves the highest calibre of acting talent. Here's how I suggest casting the rest of the film. Whoever hacked Rebekah Vardy's Insta was obviously never at Baden-Baden Read more Rebekah Vardy Coleen's arch enemy. Older than Rooney but newer to the wag game, Vardy undergoes a downfall that is nothing less than operatic. We need an actor with the range to flit between victim and antagonist at a moment's notice, who can lash out with theatrical abandon at everyone and everything as the walls cave in around her. We need someone whose beauty is cut through with a thick streak of psychic darkness. In short, we need Rachel Weisz. Wayne Rooney Low and grunting, Wayne Rooney should have been Coleen's rock throughout this scandal. But his refusal to even so much as like her tweet demonstrates a man who is surly and aloof, an old-fashioned man's man. We need an actor who can at once epitomise the latent anger that goes into posting a tweet such as "I'll put u asleep within 10 seconds u little girl. Don't say stuff and not follow up on it. I'll be waiting" and the stupidity to then send that tweet to himself. As such, I recommend Benedict Cumberbatch. Jamie Vardy Cut Jamie Vardy open and you'll find the phrase "Chat shit get banged" written through him like a stick of Brighton rock. A wiry athlete who seems to be a nanosecond away from headbutting someone to death, Vardy will need to be played by an actor who can inhabit both a roiling hostility and a naive marital devotion that will soon be tested to its limit. Jamie Vardy should be played by Eddie Redmayne. Danielle Lloyd Just as the tremors from Rooney's tweet were starting to die down, who should pop up uninvited but Danielle Lloyd, a seasoned establishment wag. Danielle Lloyd is a key role here, for she will come to represent the swell of ill feeling for Rebekah Vardy in the wag community. She is this film's Greek chorus, passing violently disdainful comment from afar. She also has an OnlyFans page. She should therefore be played by Tilda Swinton. Victoria Beckham The end of this film will come when Victoria Beckham, grande dame of wags, decides enough is enough. She gathers together Rooney and Vardy and haughtily reminds them that wags symbolise something greater than themselves. She tells them of their higher moral purpose. Through sheer power of personality, she brokers an uneasy truce ready to be shattered in the sequel. There is no better Victoria Beckham than Joan Collins.